Sometimes I make life more complicated than it needs to be, and by sometimes I mean almost always! If you are a loyal reader of this blog (there are literally a few of you who are!) you may have picked up on a pattern of thought over the past several weeks. My life has felt difficult and complicated. In all honesty, there have been large chunks of time where I have just felt like giving up. As I sat in front of the big, blank, white screen this morning trying to figure out what to say I went back and forth in my head about the tone and topic that I would use.
The basic question boils down to this: am I writing to express myself or am I writing to express hope? Often times those are the same thing, but at the present, the two don’t necessarily coincide. As I tossed around concepts like “transparency” and “honesty” for a while it occurred to me that I am always looking at something so I need to be careful where I choose to focus my attention.
At any given time I can make a strong argument for myself as worthless or worthy. By nature I tend to lean toward optimism, but sometimes it becomes easier to just go with the flow and join the throngs who would color my life as “worthless”. Many of us probably do not need to beat the bushes too hard to find a mob of people who cast us in a disparaging light based on our past. I am “blessed” enough to not even need to ask…people are more than willing to volunteer such thoughts.
Working in, around, and for a church makes it that much more difficult to stomach. Leading a recovery ministry causes me to weigh my feelings with my mission and factor in the possibility of being in denial about whatever I come up with as an answer. My brain feels like mush at times like this. Is it better to follow the “greater good” – that which causes the path of least resistance for the church as a whole? Or should I stay with the “greater God” which guarantees my worth and says that people who have a problem with me are the ones with the problem? If I fade into the background does that mock the value that Jesus gave me when He chose to die for my sins? Am I just giving up because the battle has become too difficult? Am I listening to the enemy and partnering with the lie that my story is only valuable to the lost but will harm the found?
And then my friend reminds me of my “catch phrase”. How can I implore you to rise up if I cannot get myself to do the same? I love this friend because they will not give up on me even when I try to give up on myself. I love them because they keep me true to my focus even when others around me tell me to step back into the shadows and let cleaner people shine. Love is not always telling me what I want to hear, but rather what I need to hear. So for another week I will fight my inclination to stand down and follow the advice of AG and
-Rise Up!!
Minister Of Mocha 
I feel like this is so true, but one of the things I am finding, is that along with my own brain making things complicated, sometimes life is just super complicated. Sometimes there are no pause button moments, you don’t get to take huge breaks, you hold on, endure, and come out on the other side. Theres is this super popular christian song right now. Eye of the Storm. I hated it at first, but now… it runs through my head all day. See I feel like those moments in the eye, are our gifts from God, we are breathing but be know that we have to go back in. Eventually the storm, any storm, self inflicted or not will pass. We will get to see the amazing sunrise after a storm. Even when our own heads are jamming things up for us, God will use it, HE will grow us. There is hope in our journey, and Christ is winning.
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You are talented in so many ways and loved by so many. It can be tough when we are at work with people more than we are at home and there is destined to be mistakes and errors, whether intentional or not, that can affect each of us greatly. But, I hope you can see and know God knows right where you are, always. Thanks for the transparent blog…Blessings!
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I was at a crossroads about eight years ago over the needs of a young girl (read between the lines here), commitments about legal know!edge that I had been asked to engage in concerning cps, and keeping a balance between me and others in her life. 8 years ago I had to make a choice, worry about legalities and others feelings getting in the way or go forward and embrace the person wholeheartedly knowing that it was Christ’s will and what she needed and was asking for at the time. Many times I’ve thought that moment through, how it affected my family and questioned my own motives. In the end it was for Christ. You just have to keep looking back at that decision that caused you to go forward in Christ and shake it off.
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Thank you!!! You inspire me. You inspire me and reassure me that I am not the only one who questions if what I am doing is what I should be doing. If what I am doing is good enough or if I am capable enough to handle everything I have to handle. That is not the inspiring part. The inspiring part is that God has put up right where we are, doing exactly what we are doing and I feel like quitting sometimes too but I am going to await on God for my next direction and I will Rise Up too!! God bless you I’m so grateful you are my friend, mentor and Co worker.
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#HumbledByYourWords
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